We tend to clutch onto our favourite songs of any given year and whist 2014 had it’s share of great music, there was no shortage of songs to make your ears bleed. Here are the eight culprits that we won’t be remembering 2014 for.
8. Avril Lavigne – Hello Kitty
Wow… just wow. Everything about this song seems like a desperate, clawing attempt to maintain some sort of street cred with her tween target audience for this perpetual teenager. Where do we even begin with how badly this pans out. Watching this clip is like witnessing a 13 year old’s identity crisis as Lavigne manages to take the listener on a regrettable ride fetishising Japanese culture with disquietingly racist undertones while brutalizing our ears with misplaced, jagged dubstep beats and screeching vocals. Maybe it’s not just us that thinks this sucks though – Lavigne hasn’t been photographed publicly since September. Coincidence? I think not.
Worst Lyrics: “Don’t go Kitty Kitty/ you’re so silly, silly/ Don’t go Kitty Kitty/ stay with meeee.” Uh… What?
7. Iggy Azalea feat. Rita Ora – Black Widow
Iggy Azalea was riding high on the back of her summer single ‘Fancy’ and had a wealth of options to choose from as her next single from her studio album ‘The New Classic’. Instead she chose to release ‘Black Widow’, a tired and lazy effort in conjunction with British import Rita Ora, defeating the purpose of a colaboration when it’s with someone that literally no-one on earth cares about. No wonder Katy Perry left this rubbish on the Prism cutting room floor.
Worst Lyrics: “You used to be thirsty for me / But now you wanna be set free / This is the web, web that you weave / So baby now rest in peace”
6. Jason Derulo – Wiggle
2014 signalled a pretty serious change in direction for the human set of abs that is Jason Derulo. Where in 2013 his biggest hit was Marry Me, ‘Wiggle’ is all about getting his harem of women that apparently perpetually surround him to gyrate on command. And with a song premise like that, Snoop Dogg couldn’t be far away, demonstrating his lyrical prowess again by rhyming ‘wiggle’ with ‘little bittle’.
Worst Lyrics: Appealing to the the apparently ubiquitous desire for fame in his fan base, Derulo touts “If I take pictures while you do your dance/ I can make you famous of Instagram.” There you have it ladies, if you’re looking for an instant (albeit fleeting) dose of celebrity, just wiggle on up to Jason.
5. The Chainsmokers -#Selfie
Two self obsessed narcissists walk into a bathroom stall and end up completely epitomizing everything that is wrong with society, all backed by the type of generic electronic beat that is likely to be track number 4 of some album called Summer Anthems of (insert Vegas club name here). At first we thought this was some horrible joke played on us by the music industry and then when we paused the clip at just the right time at 0:05 where they throw a single frame saying ‘Go F**k your #Selfie’ we found out that it actually was.
Worst Lyrics: Literally the entire song
4. Chris Brown Feat Lil Wayne and Tyga – Loyal
Hey do you remember that time when Chris Brown beat the crap out of Rihanna and threatened to kill her? Well, it seems the 215 million people that watched this clip don’t. Dude needs to give his publicist a raise. Either way, when Mike Tyson is giving you advice on how to stop being so violent, it might be time to look at your life choices. Maybe a good place to start might be reconsidering future decisions to make music.
Worst Lyrics: “Just got rich / Took a broke nigga bitch / I can make a broke bitch rich / But I don’t fuck with broke bitches / Got a white girl with some fake titties…”
3. Psy – Hangover
What happens when you get a guy that has the biggest one hit wonder in history but doesn’t realize the definition of ONE HIT WONDER. This abomination apparently. As though to recreate in audio format the all consuming pain of it’s namesake, Hangover spends the first 23 seconds repeating that word like a autotune drill going straight into your brain. And that’s before the saxophone even begins. Seriously Psy, the party really is over. We’re just waiting for you to realize it.
Worst Lyrics: “Hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover, hangover…” Do we really need to continue?
2. Magic! – Rude
So the song is catchy – there’s no arguing that. But catchiness doesn’t in itself make for a good song. If we go beyond the toe tappy hook and scratch the surface, all signs point to the fact that this song was about 14 minutes into Magic!’s (don’t forget the exclamation mark) 15 minutes of fame and they’ll pretty much be fading back into the obscurity of which they came from. Beyond anything else, their sanitized white-guy reggae-fusion vibe feels like it’s been created as the result of a market research focus group to be the least offensive background music for a soft drink commercial.
Worst Lyrics: The song chronicles a man asking his girlfriend’s parents if he can marry her and then when the father says no, he retorts with “Why you gotta be so rude?” Soul destroying? Probably. Heartbreaking, Sure. But rude? That’s an adjective more appropriate for someone sneaking in front of you in the supermarket aisle, right?
1. Play-N-SKillz – Literally I Can’t (ft. Redfoo, Lil Jon, Enertia McFly
Redfoo, the inexplicably famous, afro adorned front-man of LMFAO pretty much had the top prize on this list sealed the second it got released. To give credit where it’s due,”Literally I Can’t” is a collaboration between Texan production duo Play-N-Skillz, gun-for-hire Lil’ Jon and some dude called Enertia McFly. Upon its release social media exploded into a barrage of criticism for its offensive lyrical content and objectification of women with Lil Jon’ screaming into the faces of a group of females brazen enough to reject the advances of the bros to “shut the f**k up”. Misogyny has a new anthem.
Worst Lyrics: “Girl I’m sipping on this drink, trying to see what you got, not hear what you think.” Charming.